Monday, June 12, 2006

this X is a surrender

Study too much. Study too little. Learn nothing. Learn exasperation.

Chad VanGaalen

Clinically Dead

Feeling: dead - broken heart, broken spirit, crushed demeanour. When I walk my arms hang by my sides. My knees bent - ready when the time comes to roll over, fall on my back, sleep forever. I'm dreaming. They saw my youth and they stole it from me. Replaced my free-will, my vigour, with emotions too complex for me to understand. Placed textbooks in front of me and insisted, "These are a distraction! These are essential!" I tried to absorb every word from those books. I tried to glean sense, knowledge, sort it through in my head, compartmentalise everything into different theories, thoughts, transitions; different feelings isolated, then placed into darkness - took away all lightbulbs. I convinced myself I would perform perfectly, like a well-oiled machine in these exams. Dream on.

Why don't you put up a fight? Dream on.

This X is a surrender. A kiss goodbye. My white flag - I would hold it higher, but...

x : all my love, always and forever - even if you never know; especially if you never know. We never learn, do we? [Learn...]

Bright Eyes

No Lies, Just Love

When I am reborn I will be pure, like snow... like gold! When I am reborn I will decide my own future, my own emotional leanings, where and when my intellect is birthed, which words I will use, I will be king of the Dictionary. I will be in love and out of love, at my choosing, I will be happy, I will be happy - God knows I've waited long enough. Dream on.

When I am reborn I will be the same; but wiser. Hardened by experience, aged by emotion, drowned in a sea of well-meant yet ill-devised intentions. The critics they will call me naive; they will do as they do; they will never cease with their criticisms; they will ask, "well how can you be so sure?" And I will never answer their question. [Discover...]

I am dreaming of a summer day or a winter-sky; an oil-painting burnt to unrecognisable pieces. I am dreaming of a second chance.

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